I have my shit together 99% of the
time, so to speak. But there's always one day that seems to unravel
all I've worked for. Months and sometimes years of effort is washed
away by a bad decision, by an unlucky break, or by an unleashed coil
of frustration.
Sometimes there is a reason for what
happens, sometimes there isn't. There's always a lesson involved, yet
the learning experiences come and go and never stave off that next
awful day.
Sometimes it's an illness or an injury.
Other times it's the loss of a friendship. The death of a loved one.
Or it's our inability to get out of our own way, to stop and think
before we act.
At moments like these it feels as if
all's for naught. Hopelessness sets in, reality turns dark gray. Why go
on? Why work hard or do what is right when one bad day can ruin
everything?
These are watershed moments. When live
diverges, when we have a choice to make. To not care, or to grow. I
have certainly had my moments when I caved, when I didn't care enough
to try to go forward. Nothing was ever won, and I never tasted
satisfaction. My life has turned out okay despite that, but I will
always wonder what could have been.
For some things I refuse to wonder. I
must know.
I'm getting older. I'm growing more
aware. When faced with these watershed moments I no longer wish to
not care. I want to stand up and take the challenge.
If it means I have to grow emotionally,
I'll do it. I'll stretch my comfort zones like matter in the early
Universe stretched space.
I don't have to give up. I can push
through. I know what I want, and I know what I have to make myself do
to get it.
But all before me is uncertainty. What
am I to do with that? Uncertainty is inevitable when a single road
diverges. We can be on a path for so long that it's grown quite
comfortable. To turn either left or right is to drive away from the
known.
Sometimes two people carry along
together on that path and find they need to go in separate
directions.
One path may be quite ordinary, and yet
to go that way is to lose a traveling partner.
The other path may require the loss of
the self.
In the end the decision hinges on a
question. Who is more important? Self? Other?
Will we stay on the road we know will
be most safe to the self? (Sheltered, protected, hidden away.)
Or will we venture the other way,
risking self for someone else? (Risk, vulnerability.)
I have spent 25 years of my life living
for myself, living scared, close to the vest, conservatively. It's
had its advantages and has contained some hidden treasures, but I've
outgrown its usefulness.
It's time for me to step outside of
myself and live for someone else for a change. To be aware of others
as I have always been aware of myself.
Spiritually this means something very
straight-forward, if not simple. To realize the Cosmos' oneness
isn't to see others as self, but to see self as others.
I do not believe that it matters then
that we choose the path that requires the loss of self. Self can
always be redefined. It's not possible to go back in time and live life
over.
Don't be afraid to sacrifice something of who you are to lift up the person or people
you love. Be something bigger than you. Be another.
Posts
There are a lot of thoughts in this. A lot of issues that we all face some time in life. A few of my 'mantras' came to my mind as I read each issue "All things Pass, this too will". 'It is better to try and fail than to not try at all/ we will never know until we try'. " we have to empty our hands to make space for the new/let go" The third one is most difficult as we are used to what is in our hand and do not know what is going to be kept into our hand. But then some risks are worth taking.
ReplyDeleteThose are good mantras. It's good to remember something to help keep life in focus. Thank you.
DeleteThoughts inspired by this:
ReplyDelete"Do we ever stop and feel, as opposed to stop and think?"
"You cannot lose self. A path that requires 'loss of self' simply requires 'change of self'. Self is both pre-existing and discovered.
I often consider birth as self as a ball of clay and our life the process of shaping the clay into what we choose. More recently, I've been considering a more - chiseling - form of art as possibly more accurate."
I agree, we change, but we cannot lose the self. What I consider my true self, that which I reside in when I meditate, will never change. But the activities I identify with certainly can and will.
DeleteWorking with clay builds identification. Chiseling away removes this to find the true self, at least in my experience.