In this post I'm shifting
back into a personal perspective. I wish to shed light on something I
face as I deal with social anxiety disorder, and at the same time
justify myself as a person.
I can cope with panic
attacks. I can work through uncomfortable situations. What I've
largely failed to deal with is the guilt I feel because I cannot do
what others can, and the question of whether or not friends and
family will help me up if I fall too far behind.
If I can't hold a job or go
to college, will my family give up on me? Will my friends abandon me?
Will my girlfriend of six years leave me?
This isn't a confidence
issue. I feel that I am a worthwhile human being, that I can add
value to others' lives, that I can pull my own weight and not be a
burden to others even if I can't do certain things. Yet my own
expectations don't fit the cue card society has given me. I also feel
a nagging sensation that others are expecting more from me—more
than I can possibly give at this time.
Holding a job and going to
school, driving, flying, talking on a phone, all of these activities
and more are not only doable for most people, but are required. These
are things that I can't do without weeks or months of preparation, or
more. Not because I'm lazy, but because I freeze before I can start.
My mind literally shuts off because I am phobic. It's the only way my
brain can deal with an overwhelming situation.
I want to be me without the
controversy. I don't want this contradiction between my nature and
others' expectations for me, yet it's there, and I can't escape it
anymore than I can escape panic attacks. I don't want to be unable to
speak on a phone because I get tongue-tied, but I also don't want to
be looked down upon because I can't be “normal,” or like everyone
else.
I've begged, and I've
pleaded, but I feel that I've failed to convince people that even if
I am a phobic toward most things social, it's still worth having me
around. At least I don't feel that I can rest on being accepted—that
if I fail, I'll still be loved and wanted.
I imagine myself homeless in
the years to come. Yet that's not even the worst case scenario. To
me, doing what people expect of me is more difficult (at least in my
mind) than losing everyone I know and love. That seems to be the
decision I face.
As a phobic, I cling to the
comfort zones I've built for myself. It's easier to have anxiety than
it is to face the world. It's easier to be alone than shove my way
through a crowd. It's easier to have nothing than it is to take risks
to get more than what I need.
I know other people can
relate to this. One doesn't need to have a phobia or even an anxiety
disorder to understand what it's like to fear success and failure.
I'm preaching to the choir when I say that leaving our comfort zones
can be one of the toughest decisions we can make.
Something that helps me
through some of these feelings is my spiritual practices. Listening
to Alan Watts and Ram Dass, studying the writings of Lao Tzu, Chuang
Tzu, and Hsin Hsin Ming, among other sages. I'm slowly working toward
a worldview that encompasses all things as one thing. A connection,
not a division between myself and others. Because of this practice, I
have grown more comfortable with myself in social settings—less
self-conscious.
Yet there is a paradox
involved with this that I understand, but feel others won't want to
understand. Despite my enlightened realizations, which “should”
get rid of my anxiety completely, I also realize that my panic
attacks and phobias are also part of this oneness. As Ram Dass would
put it, my social anxiety disorder is the melodrama I'm living. I
have to accept it, or live in constant conflict with myself.
I know this to be true,
because when I say to myself “Okay, I have an anxiety disorder,
that's all right,” much of my fear, self-doubt, and
self-consciousness evaporates. It's like going into the center of a
fire to escape the heat of the flames. Yet it doesn't dissolve my
phobias. It makes them more manageable, yes, especially as I am
thinking of this, but once I stop thinking and go on with my life, I
slip back into my accustomed habits and fear. It really seems as
though this is who I am and it's not changeable.
I feel like I can and have
accepted that, but will others? Am I going to have to continue to
contradict society to be myself, push against others constantly? “I
can't do this, I can't do that, but accept me for who I am?”
Acceptance is such a large
part of social phobias and panic disorders. Speaking with people with
anxiety, I get the feeling that the root cause is an existential
split between self and other, and self and self. Anxiety is, at its
core (at least on a philosophical level, if not psychologically), an
attempt to escape oneself, a denial of one's nature, an attempt to
swim against the current. It's a constant war against life as it is,
a craving for a life how it's viewed by a distorted ego. And because
our expectations never pan out, we with anxiety must continuously
face failed expectations. It's tough.
This is why merely accepting
myself and my anxiety helps so much. But this doesn't seem to help
the split between self and other. The extreme self-consciousness that
puts us at odds against all the people we meet. Add distorted
thoughts to the mix, and we must always be on guard. “Will they
laugh at us? What if I mess this up? I really am not as good as
others, so I shouldn't even try. What if I get sick, get lost, or get
hurt? What if I screw up and hurt someone else?”
The failure of others to
accept me as I am plays right into the hands of this self doubt. It
seems to prove all of my worst fears. And yet all of this is
nothing more than a mind game, a game which I wish to drop as soon as
I can figure out how to.
My hope is that others can
drop the game as soon as I do. Maybe they are not playing the game
that I am playing, and all of this is in my head? Maybe when I
learn to loosen up and relax, it'll rub off on them? Maybe I'll
finally find a way to explain this to them? Maybe it won't matter
anymore, because I'll be cured of my phobias and all will be moot?
Or maybe I will be a phobic
for the rest of my life. Can I be a happy phobic? Can I live a
semi-normal life? Can I be married, have kids, and be a productive
member of society despite not working or having any sort of
education? Do I even deserve these things if I can't pull the same
weight others pull?
It's a real mess, and it
doesn't make anxiety easier—it makes things infinitely more
difficult. And I have no answers for these feelings.
I have nothing but to move
forward and hope things work out for the best. To accept the one
truth of life, that it is an uncertainty.
Further Reading:
Tao of Anxiety: Series
Further Reading:
Tao of Anxiety: Series
Posts
Let me give you some advice bastard. Never forget what you are; the rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you. ~Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones
ReplyDeleteIn each entity there exists completeness. Thus, the ability to understand each balance is necessary. When you view patience, you are responsible for mirroring in your mental understanding, patience/impatience. When you view impatience, it is necessary for your mental configuration of understanding to be impatience/patience. We use this as a simple example. Most configurations of mind have many facets, and understanding of either self polarities, or what you would call other-self polarities, can and must be understood as subtle work. - Source withheld
Good stuff, Grizwald. Chewy, I like it.
DeleteOne more excellent text!
ReplyDeleteThanks!
Delete