Inflammation

By | Published Monday, May 13, 2013


The Diet, Part III

Inflammation

I began this new diet largely because I've been experiencing some inflammation around the top of my neck, under my jaw. I've had lymph issues in the past, when I am eating poorly and stressing out. I have been eating poorly and stressing out, so it was a time for a change.

I made a list of foods that were anti-inflammatory, in an effort to replace the inflammatory foods I have been consuming, like whole milk, ice cream, and pizza (ugh).

I found a website called Self Nutrition Data at http://nutritiondata.self.com/. It lists the macro- and micro-nutrients for most foods along with their estimated glycemic load and inflammation factor.

Glycemic load and glycemic index are two terms I'm familiar with, and an important part of my diet. Simple carbohydrates (not sugar), once broken down by the stomach, turn into sugar: glucose. I'm choosing to eat vegetables and fruits (fructose in its natural state), high-protein foods like fish and chicken, as well as adding healthy fats like olive oil and coconut oil to carb-rich foods like oatmeal and sweet potatoes to help reduce their glycemic load.

Inflammation factor is a term I'm not familiar with, and I'm still doing research on inflammation and food. But in the meantime I've used Self Nutrition Data to create a list of anti-inflammatory foods, along with a list of low glycemic foods.

This is useful because it gives me a better idea of what I can eat, and what I want to avoid. Not that I can't have some pizza or ice cream once in a while, but that I want to limit such foods. A list is a more concrete way of deciding what to eat than relying on the statement “I want to eat healthier.”

Just saying “I want to eat healthier” doesn't allow me to picture a healthy diet in the same way writing such foods down does.

~*~

Inflammation is the body's way of protecting itself. It's an immune response to illness, injury, and stress. Our bodies become inflamed when we are injured, or we have a disease like diabetes or cancer, or experience high-stress states and lifestyles. Inflammation is linked to disease in this way, and many say that inflammation may predict serious illnesses like cancer and heart disease—or that cancer and heart disease are inflammatory diseases.

Even some fruits and whole grains are pro-inflammatory. Coconut oil is very pro-inflammatory, because it contains a high concentration of saturated fat. Knowing this doesn't mean I'm going to avoid fruits, whole grains, or coconut oil, because each food offers unique health benefits, but that when I have these foods I balance them with anti-inflammatory foods like vegetables, olive oil, and spices.

The best way to balance any meal is to rely on the spice turmeric.

Turmeric is the most anti-inflammatory food on my list. It packs an anti-inflammatory factor of 1,500 in a single tablespoon (about what I may put into a bowl of coconut oil-flavored oatmeal).

The typical bowl of oatmeal I make, with coconut oil, raisins, and cinnamon has a pro-inflammatory factor of nearly -750—it's recommended that we have a daily anti-inflammatory factor of 50 (an average of all the foods we eat). Adding a single tablespoon of turmeric (and some black pepper to increase turmeric's bioavailability) turns the inflammatory factor upside down—giving that same bowl of oatmeal an anti-inflammatory factor of 750.

Adding foods like turmeric, olive oil, fish, and vegetables to my diet I find it very easy to exceed that factor each day.

Already in the first week since starting this new lifestyle I've noticed the inflammation in my neck has been reduced. I also feel better in other ways, as well, which is an added bonus.

~*~

The inflammation rating system is not an absolute. I like it as a guideline to go by, to compare with what I know about certain foods. It's also a little extra motivation to stop eating foods I don't want to eat. Milk, for instance, isn't something I want to depend on in my diet; it's one of the few foods that upsets my stomach, and let's face it, drinking modern processed milk is kind of gross, and only tastes good to me if it's whole milk, which is loaded with saturated fat—fat which contains all of the nasty chemicals and wastes left over from the cattle industry. Milk is also pro-inflammatory, so it's easier to say no to if I'm looking to include anti-inflammatory foods.

Pro-inflammatory foods can be misleading. Coconut oil contains high amounts of saturated fat, but unlike processed milk it is more nutrient dense, containing fats that are actually healthy for me. Quinoa is pro-inflammatory but it's also healthy in moderation, containing a high amount of protein for a plant food, rich in fiber, healthy fat, and a host of micro-nutrients.

So far I have discovered that anti-inflammatory foods are healthy (are plant-based, or contain large amount of healthy fat: fish), or is a healthier alternative to an unhealthy food choice (olive oil over vegetable oil). Most pro-inflammatory foods should be avoided, but there are several that are so nutrient-dense or contain rare and necessary micro-nutrients or fats that they should be included in a healthy diet (coconut oil and many fruits are pro-inflammatory).

Because the long-term average of all foods matters more than each food's inflammation factor, it's more important to focus on the general diet rather than excluding every single pro-inflammatory food. It's convenient that the inflammation factor mimics closely other factors like the glycemic load, or whether a food is processed (trends toward pro-inflammatory) or plant based (trends toward anti-inflamatory).

The inflammation factor doesn't itself determine whether a food is good for me or not, but it may be a good indicator. And it's one more tool to help me define a healthy diet.

I plan on researching inflammation more over the next few weeks and months.


~*~

My list:

Inflammatory index: all servings 100 grams.

Negative values are pro-inflammatory.

Almond Milk: N/A+
Almonds: 200
Mixed Nuts: 175
Cashews: 78
Celery: 14
Peanuts: 69
Avocado: 78
Bananas: -51
Carrots: 163
Chicken: -21
Cinnamon: -55 (-1 for 1 teaspoon)
Coconut Oil: -825 (-111 for 1 tablespoon)
Eggs: -92 (-41 for medium egg)
Flaxseed: 490 (34 for 1 tablespoon)
Garlic: 3,576 (107 for 1 clove)
Ginger: 6,452 (129 for 1 teaspoon)
Lentils: -4
Muskmelon: 43
Oatmeal: -41
Olive Oil: 526 (71 for 1 tablespoon)
Onions: 234
Peanut Butter: 31
Pepper: 31 (13 sauteed)
Protein Powder: N/A?
Prunes: -210
Quinoa: -222
Raisins: -338
Salmon: 466
Spinach: 259
Sweet Potatoes: 189
Tilapia: 74
Tomato: 9
Tuna: 162
Turmeric: 22,564 (451 for 1 teaspoon)
Yogurt: -78
Water: 0

Obviously this list is far from complete, but it's a good idea of what's out there.

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The 24-Hour Fast

By | Published Thursday, May 9, 2013


My diet revolves around eating cycles. For 24 hours I eat...and for 24 hours I fast.

This is by no means meant to be absolute, do or die, but an ideal to strive for—not to get upset about if I fall short of the mark, and I am free to make adjustments. I can easily turn this into a 20-hour fast, or a 36-hour fast.

I am aiming for three 24-hour fasts a week. Ideally the end of each fast will fall on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, but I'm open to adjustments if/when necessary. Sundays will be an off day, in which I can eat at my leisure throughout.

Today, for instance, I'm eating through the day until 3 P.M., at which point I'll fast until 3 P.M. tomorrow.

After 3 P.M. tomorrow, I'll eat until about 9 P.M. Only sleep will divide my last meal at night and my first meal in the morning.

At 3 P.M. of the third day, my fast begins anew.

~*~

Why would I want to fast at all?

For me personally, the reason I fast is simply because fasting feels great. I have a ton of physical energy, and mentally I feel very peaceful and serene. This means that while my body feels invigorated, I also feel spiritually invigorated. There's much more of a mind-body connection during a fast.

Fasting is a great opportunity to work on my practice of awareness, practicing making conscious decisions. This can be viewed on a spiritual level, but also on a practical, everyday level because the practice I get while fasting lends itself to the times when I'm not fasting, when I may be more susceptible to stress—in which case I can better choose not to give into my reactions, whether they're emotional (depression or anger) or physical (having a craving for ice cream).

Mentally I have never felt depressed in a fasting state. I have felt little to no anxiety, and what anxiety I've had has been very manageable. I experience less anger, and feel less concern for the usual emotional triggers that usually, when I'm full of food, would drive me to be overly angry or sad or worried. Eating becomes my biggest worry, and that's no worry at all.

~*~

There are negative side-effects to fasting.

It may sound strange to hear, but my biggest difficulty with fasting isn't going without food, but eating. I'm trying to gain weight, but by fasting I'm giving myself less time to feed. I must overeat 2,500-3,000 calories in a short amount of time, which can make me feel sluggish and edgy (even hostile, which defeats the purpose). The remedy to this is to deviate from the 24-hour routine. I can ether shorten each fast to 20 hours (eat for 28 hours and fast for 20) so that I have a larger eating window, or lengthen the fast to 36 hours (alternate-day fasting) in order to have a full day to eat at my leisure.

The 20- and 36-hour fasts are variations of a theme, and provide the same benefits as a 24-hour fast but to different degrees.

I have to be very careful about how much water I drink. Obviously during fasting water is a necessity and my body functions better and I can think more clearly if I am drinking water continuously, but water is at least as important while I'm eating. I can get just as dehydrated during my eating cycle as I can my fasting cycle if I neglect water.

While my physical and spiritual energy rise (along with my creativity), my mental concentration and raw ability to focus on anything but my body are diminished. Any writing I want to do must be done early in the morning, as soon as possible, because by the last several hours of my fast I don't have much of an attention span left.

~*~

There are numerous health benefits to fasting, and if you've related to what I've written above, or have found what I've had to say interesting, please read on. But keep in mind that I put less emphasis on the experimental data—the claims of detoxification, longevity, and reduced risk of disease—as I do on how fasting makes me feel, because whereas data is abstract, how I feel is concrete in the sense that I can feel it, and do not merely have to hope it's true.

Perhaps there is a link between the way fasting feels and its health benefits, but let's put that aside for now and look at the claims.

From the research I've read in the last few years I've found that intermittent fasting has been studied and shown to lower the risk of all major forms of disease—the big killers—heart disease, diabetes, and cancer, but also helps with some auto-immune disorders by reducing inflammation.


My favorite theory as to why fasting is so beneficial is that fasting allows a major function of the body—the digestive system—to rest.

We sleep, resting our conscious mind and bodies (letting the subconscious mind perform maintenance). We take it easy exercise. When our eyes grow strained we close them.

But we seldom think about our digestive system's need to rest and recover. The way many people eat causes an almost continuous barrage of activity. Some people really do eat around the clock, even getting midnight snacks, and keep their digestive system working nonstop for decades.

After we eat, it takes 6-8 hours before the stomach and small intestine are finished digesting the meal, but if we do not go longer than 8 hours without a meal, we'll never experience a fasted state, and our digestive system will not rest.

The colon takes even longer to process food—around 24 hours for someone eating a whole foods diet, and more for someone eating the standard American diet.

This means that within the first 24 hours since your last meal, your stomach and small intestine have been off-duty for 16-18 hours.

Fasting for 36 hours (every other day) gives the digestive system an even deeper rest, benefiting not just the stomach and small intestine, but also the colon.

Theoretically, this rest allows the body to turn its energy elsewhere. The digestive process is a tremendous load, burning around 10% of the calories you take in each day to function from start to finish. When the body is no longer using energy to digest food, it has more energy for other processes. It's like stopping to sit after a long run. We soon feel more energized and able to keep running.

It has been said that during a fasted state the body will break down cancer tumors and the plaque on artery walls, and re-regulate functions like insulin secretion, as if the body is running a defragmentation program.

Fasting also helps regulate the digestive system, resting it so that when it's time to digest food again it does so more efficiently. This is vital for good health because we're then able to get more out of the food we eat, absorbing more vitamins and minerals, antioxidants, protein, etc.


I could go on, and even write a book on fasting—as many others have—especially on the weight-loss benefits, which I have not touched on. There's a lot of material to digest, but I think it's enough here to cover some of the key benefits of fasting.

Further reading:

An Overview of Intermittent Fasting An objective talk on intermittent fasting.

Mark's Daily Apple A comprehensive look at fasting, including many links to other resources.

And if you want a reason not to fast, I've got that, too: The Dangers of Intermittent Fasting. The stance of organizations like the American Cancer Society seem not to be too enthusiastic about accepting fasting as a treatment, providing ample warning against it, while admitting that in animal trials fasting has shown benefits.

To be honest, and I'm being subjective here, I've never seen a valid argument against fasting. Most arguments fall apart in light of research and peoples' personal experiences.

Like anything, it's necessary to research it and try it in moderation before committing to it as a lifestyle. Fasting may not feel good, it may cause unsavory side-effects. It's not a panacea for everyone.

Think for yourself, and listen to your body.

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The Diet: Part 1

By | Published Tuesday, May 7, 2013


I haven't posted in a while but today I decided to begin blogging my new dietary changes, my experiments with food, and some of the research I'll be doing on living a healthy lifestyle.

Going forward I must note that I have several biases that will make this scientifically inaccurate. I expect this to be positive. Based on past experience with intermittent fasting and eating whole foods, I expect to feel good.

I'm not testing this objectively-rigorously. I'm searching for things, have an already formed opinion, and cannot be counted on to be biased to the point of perfection.

But I am generally a non-biased person. I do not lie, to myself or to anyone else.

I say this because I believe that human health is tricky business, and shouldn't be simplified to the point of idiocy. It's hard to know if something is “healthy” when health evolves over a lifespan of decades. There are many factors involved, making it impossible to isolate one ingredient in a complex system (consisting of diet, exercise, stress-reduction, genetics, environmental carcinogens, etc), and saying without a doubt that it is what makes or breaks one's health.

There are no absolutes in medicine but only generalities. This has become my mantra when discussing health in any capacity, be it physical or emotional. I can use smoking as an example of this. 

It is true that smoking cigarettes is generally unhealthy, but saying that “cigarettes kill people” is a ridiculous statement in any scientific context. Saying cigarettes are a cause of cancer is logical and rational, and can be backed up by years of research. Saying cigarettes caused someone's cancer makes less sense when viewed from a whole-health perspective—in which case cigarettes alone do not cause cancer, but are a factor among many factors (even if it is the largest factor), because cancer is dependent on many factors, be they genetic, environmental, and behavioral.

Someone's lung cancer has a lot to do with who they are on a molecular level as well as what they eat. You can expect a higher rate of lung cancer among cigarette smokers who eat processed foods than you can among smokers who eat whole foods—but that doesn't mean that diet alone causes lung cancer either. You have to also consider exercise and stress, two factors that may play as big of roles as genetics, diet, and carcinogen exposure.

Health is infinitely complicated when we look at it in a broad spectrum, and it must be looked at in a broad spectrum to be even remotely accurate. So I'm not going to try to prove anything with this blog, because I lack the tools and the objectivity to factor everything in, and I'm studying myself, over a short amount of time at that. 

I'm doing this mainly for me, and for anyone else interesting in health who would like to read along, get some ideas, or be pointed in a particular direction.

~*~

My most basic guideline for health is simply: “How does it make me feel?”

I've found through experimenting that eating a lot of unhealthy carbs, specifically simple sugars in the form of candy and cakes makes me feel like crap. It tastes great, there's no doubt about that, but I experience more depression, more anxiety, more tiredness, and more strange bodily symptoms when I'm on the Standard American Diet (SAD).

In my experience fasting for about 17 hours each day, or fasting 24 hours every other day, fills me with physical energy, and helps me to feel an astounding peace of mind. I'm less agitated, feel far less depression—none—and experience less anxiety; what anxiety I do feel tends to be less volatile and easy to deal with.

Something I have never tried before is to eat a diet lower in carbs. I'll still eat fruits like bananas, whole grains like oatmeal, and vegetables like sweet potoatoes, but balance these with healthy fats like olive and coconut oil to further lower these foods' glycemic load. How will this make me feel eating a diet containing a higher percentage of fats and proteins (lots of chicken and fish)?

I will find out.

~*~

For the record this diet started on Sunday, May 5, 2013.

It's a dietary blend of whole foods and intermittent fasting. I am not striving for perfection, but a general direction, so I'll likely have cheat meals and perhaps some cheat days once in a while, and If I need it, I'll have some protein powder with water or almond milk (I am bodybuilding).

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The Sad America

By | Published Monday, April 22, 2013

I've seen keyboard jockeys in the last several days disregard the rights given by the sixth, seventh, and eighth amendments to our constitution, as they rail in anger against Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.

If anger is all the reason people need to throw out the constitution....

Explain to me how the average American is any different from the average political extremist or even mentally ill person. The anger and hatred that drives murderers to murder is alive and well in the hearts of millions of citizens. We're reactionaries, and the only thing that keeps "us" from doing violence to each other is a piece of paper that states we can't.

There are ways around this, of course. Wars are made legal, for instance. But get rid of the document called the Bill of Rights and America would turn into a violent extremist state faster than you or I could get sand in our eyes in an Iranian desert.

We are a violent people. We can control ourselves physically, most of the time (and when things are going smoothly), but if all of the self-righteous hate spewed on the internet every day is any indicator as to what lies in our hearts, we're on tremendously shaky ground. And the irony of that is our wondering what drives people like the Tsarnaev brothers to kill innocent people.

Next time you see someone call a liberal or a conservative an asshole, or hear someone say they'd like to see a criminal tortured, or blame an immigrant or a foreigner for America's problems, you'll have the answer.

Then you'll understand what goes on in the heads of people like Timothy McVeigh and Osama Bin Laden, and hopefully you'll realize that the only difference between people like them and people like "us" is that we can still control our anger.

But the thing about anger is that it's easier to forgive than it is to bottle it up and hope it never gets out.

And unless Americans figure out what the high road actually is, we're going to be pestered by mass murderers until the day this country finally collapses like a cancer from the inside out.

We had a great opportunity to take the high road after 9/11, when the entire world was with us, and we chose to drag the entire world down into war and bloodshed to appease our own vengeful nature. Remember that!

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Full on Writer Mode

By | Published Monday, April 8, 2013


I have not blogged for a while—not for a month, obviously—but that is not an indication of a fallow field. I have been hard at work, spending March working on three short stories, getting rough drafts completed (coals for the fire).

Two of these were stories I had written as a teenager, and the third is from a couple of years ago. I rewrote them, and I hope to revise and publish them in the next month or two, except that, as it seems things are going now, plans are meant to be abandoned. At any rate, I find it enjoyable to rewrite old ideas, because I'm such a better writer now than I was, I can see these ideas made into something worth reading.

As for my novel, when I began working on “Sacrifice” in November of last year I had intended to do a draft every two months. Well, six months later I'm just now beginning to take notes on the rough draft. But I am doing so, so there's hope for me yet.

There are several reasons why it's taken longer than I expected, nor am I upset that it has. I believe that any effort I expend kicking myself for not having something finished is effort being wasted. I must put that energy into writing. Sometimes it turns out that taking a little longer at something just means it's a better project. I wrote things in February and March that I would not have thought to write in December or January, and the story is better for not having been finished until later.

The first reason it took so long was because the novel was much longer than I envisioned. 70,000 words turned into 100,000 words.

Another reason is that I took a few weeks off from writing to spend time with my father, and I can easily file that under “Tao of Anxiety.”

I can't say that I hit a writer's block in the last six months, because I didn't, but I did not write as much as I could have. I stayed around 1,000 to 2,000 words a day (an hour or so of work), a respectable figure, but far from the 5,000 words a day I was getting in the last couple of weeks of March on my short stories.

I've also been working more on other things, like overcoming anxiety, exercising, and struggling to learn Spanish, rather than putting all my eggs in my writing basket.

Those days are over. Now I'm putting my writing cap on, and it turns out it's a space helmet. I'm going to the edge of my universe with this.

I've upped the amount of time each day I spend writing. Instead of an hour or two, I'm pushing for three and four hours a day. This means I'm writing 5,000+ words and am able, as I did today, to read through 10% of my novel and take notes (and brainstorm).

My mantra can be “I can sleep when I'm dead.” I'm on a mission, and that's to publish the three short stories and the novel I'm working on right now. No matter what!

I'm motivated, and I am not going to hide behind the perfectionism or fear of success that I've hid behind before.

Expect more blog posts from me, too.

There's a new sheriff in town, and he doesn't appreciate loitering, ha!

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Mindful of Health

By | Published Tuesday, March 12, 2013


There are many ways of looking at health. We can live a healthy lifestyle to prolong life, or to avoid future disease, or because it's interesting or fun or a challenge. 

I focus on my health to feel good right now. I am less interested in longevity, or avoiding disease. I do not feel I can control the future.

What I can control, to an extent, is my current body. This is far easier and less worrisome than attempting to live to be one hundred, or getting through life without getting sick.

I am going to die. This is an undeniable fact. It's not something I wish to expend energy to avoid. If living a healthy lifestyle in order to feel good right now leads me to live longer, cool. If it doesn't, what am I going to do?

I am going to get sick. This is a fact. It's very likely that I will get cancer one day, or heart disease, or diabetes, or a thousand other nasty things. The older I get, the more likely illness becomes.

One of the reasons why cancer, heart disease, and diabetes rates are so high is because we have an aging population. Over 25% of the population is older than the average life expectancy in 1900! The “fifty and older” crowd has doubled in the last century, and half of that population group are over age sixty-five. 

The rate of disease skyrockets as people get into their sixties, seventies, and eighties, as it should. Disease, often caused by old age (the body's growing inability to heal itself), kills almost everyone eventually. 

All we've managed to do in the twentieth century is push the natural course of disease back a couple of decades, partly through medical technology, and partly through a higher awareness of fitness and diet, but it catches up to us eventually no matter what precautions we take—we cannot put death off forever, nor can we put off disease indefinitely, so long as it is a process of dying.

There's no way to predict my future, but I have a great power over my current health, over how I feel upon waking and how I feel upon going to bed, and the time between. How I feel today is the only thing that I can control, and it is the only thing that matters.

By eating natural plant foods, lean meats, and healthy fats, I can feel better both physically and emotionally because these foods have a complete range of necessary vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants. By eating less, and implementing daily periods of fasting, I can limit the ill effects that sugar and other carbs have on the body. By avoiding added chemicals, I can keep my brain and body healthy and working at its best. I can feel alert, energetic, and happy.

But diet is not the only aspect of health. Physical fitness is a as important. Exercising early in the morning grounds me for the rest of the day. I feel more confident and energized on days that I lift weights, ride my bike, and stretch. I stick to a healthy diet more easily, and I have a sense of well-being that lasts late into the evening.

There's also an emotional component to health. Emotional well-being isn't something that is given much attention in our society, but it is at least as important. Taking care of one's emotional health is simply finding a way to stay in-tune with the world around us. Emotional health is a sense that one is “all right.” 

Stress, which if compared to cigarettes and fast food, may be an even deadlier factor for disease. Prolonged stress can rapidly annihilate the body's organs and immune system. Emotional health counteracts stress far better than diet and exercise.

When I do not fulfill these three key factors I feel “off.” I've learned to take care of this feeling quickly, because the longer it's there the harder it seems to be gotten rid of. This is why I focus on the immediate present rather than on the far away future. I can live for tomorrow and very easily miss out on today. I would never want to be old and healthy and not have enjoyed my life, or to only remember things as memories and to not have actually experienced them!

Staying healthy is about making daily, conscious adjustments. It's not just eating the same “health” food over and over again and running on the same treadmill for forty-five years, it's managing myself, figuring out what makes me feel good, and applying it to my daily life. 

My health has become a great experiment in which I try many different things in order to figure out what works for me. I've come to realize that we're all different, which is why the experimentation is necessary for each of us. We don't know what will work until we test it, and anything can work for one person and not for another.

An overall consistency is more important than a rigid constant state of perfection, for to enjoy good health it's necessary to experience some ill health once in a while, or good health itself becomes too normal to be appreciated. 

Falling off the wagon, then, isn't the end of the world. If I trash my body for a weekend on the sofa eating ice cream and pizza, I'll have enjoyed the food and the time off, and when I get back to eating healthy and exercising I will feel like a million bucks. This, to me, is also exercising my emotional health—not punishing myself for my imperfections or cravings.

The contrast is what good health really, truly is. It's a cycle, like everything else in this world. The end of the cycle isn't a tragedy, but spending an entire lifetime trying to escape it is.

Be nice to yourself. What else do we really have to live for?

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Do It, And Get It Over With

By | Published Thursday, March 7, 2013


Progress is slowly but surely being made in my recovery from Social Anxiety Disorder. Last time I wrote about my anxiety I was talking about overcoming speaking on the phone and driving a car. I hit a plateau in that time, as I ran out of things to work on, but now I've set my sights on getting a job.

As far as I'm concerned, working or going to school are the worst of my problems. These are long-term commitments that I feel I will get trapped in and panic, and cannot get out of without having the guilt of letting someone down. These are my biggest fears. Going to school is not necessary, but working is. Fortunately I have experience in the grocery industry, and have an opportunity here for a job at a local store.

This is a very interesting process for me. In my mind I feel that if the job is just given to me, I can show up and do the work, yet the people involved aren't going to make this easy on me (said with a wink). I'm under the impression that the job is mine, but I still have to do everything I would have to do if I was anyone else off the street. Certainly this is no slam dunk (I may not get the job), but regardless of that I am getting some much needed experience and confidence. I am at once lazy and don't want to do this, and appreciative of the opportunity to do it.

The back story is that I live near someone who is pretty high up in the grocery chains corporate office. He's a cool guy and told me he could get me a job.* I have avoided it for months, but I have finally made up my mind  to get the ball rolling and see where it takes me. I have nothing to lose, and a lot to gain from this.

Two Sundays ago I filled out an application, which required me to go to the store and be told I had to go back home to fill it out online. The application wasn't nearly as difficult as I thought it would be, and I was quickly done. I was a bit let down that I couldn't bring it back in to the manager, mostly because I felt it was such a big leap to actually have gone to the store, I wasn't sure if I could repeat it.

But I still had to go back to let the manager know I had filled out the application, and that I was serious. This is where things got interesting for me—and I learned something about myself.

If faced with a tough decision to do something right now, or put it off until a “better” day, I will choose to do the thing NOW.

Last night my anxiety got the best of me and I spent the evening crawling up walls. I was very anxious and depressed. Anxious because of the uncertainty I faced having to go back to the store, and depressed because of the hopelessness tied to fighting the inevitable.

I went to sleep with a heavy heart, but when I woke up the fear was gone and I knew what I would do, and why I would do it this morning.

I had thought to do it Monday, to postpone as long as I could. The logic behind this was simple. Going back was the last thing in the world I wished to do. I thought dying would be more convenient for me, or even applying somewhere else. Anywhere but there!

Then going Monday required me to sit on my hands Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and Monday could come to find me postponing this again. In those four days I had plenty of time to fret and worry—hell, I could think myself so far under the table that I could lose all my confidence.

The alternative, as I saw it, was to go to the store immediately to keep moving forward.

Between these two choices, I chose the one that required less mental anguish—less anxiety, less depression. I knew, and I was proven correct, that if I just did it, I could put it behind me.

I know this because I'm beginning to understand the nature of the fear in my mind. The mental anguish I experience inside myself is not consistent with the world around me, which is often peaceful and serene. The anguish exists because I exist, which makes it both difficult and easy to remedy. Getting rid of it is as simple as getting rid of, not necessarily the self, but the things that prop the self up.

Namely the fear of change; wanting the world to be just so, and not accepting it as it is.

The self is an illusion of the “unchanging.” Of course the self is just a concept that we project onto reality. We are constantly changing, never the same as we were before. The self only exists when we're aware of the self, and yet we can lose ourselves in many things like sleep, or a drug, or a game, etc.

You can never step in the same river twice, they say. So the human mind creates the self as a way to give clarity and meaning to the ever-changing world, by having something that can be counted on not to change. The self is something to hold onto in chaos. If the self were only ever used to serve this purpose, it would be a great thing, but I for one have clung too tightly to myself, mistaking the anchor for the ocean.

A side effect of this is self-consciousness. I focus too much on myself in order to maintain it and ignore the rest of the world which is in constant motion. The truth of the matter is that the ocean of reality is usually tranquil. Sometimes a storm can batter the seas, and certainly anything caught in that storm is in danger, but this is rare. What hurts me the most is maintaining the self, and the mental anguish I experience when I try to fight against the ocean around me. I drown not because I am sailing upon a sea, but because I hold onto the anchor as it sinks in an attempt to stay in place. If I simply let myself go where the tides take me, the suffering will be minimal.

So this morning I woke and I did the thing I most feared in an attempt to not have to fear doing it.

The fear of doing anything is more toxic than the doing.

I wonder what else I can apply this to? Can you apply this to your own life?



* In my defense I have 7+ years of grocery experience, managed dairy, frozen foods, and grocery, and can find my way around produce, meat, and bakery/deli. I can even run a register! It's not like I don't know what I'm doing. A lack of confidence isn't my problem. It's the fear of letting people down, the fear of the unknown, the fear of change. These things I will get over. *





Further Reading:

Tao of Anxiety: Series



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