I haven't been writing. I've been putting myself into Satori, peering into my true nature. Life is rich when boredom is ecstasy, anxiety is joy, depression is bliss...suffering is an acknowledgment of my realness.
When I can feel fucked up and copacetic at the same time, I know nothing. When I can feel happy and not seek to capture that sensation with words...
I have found over the last week that when I feel myself coming back into my mind, I can get back out again with one of three simple phrases.
1. I can't want what I already have.
2. The world is complete as it is.
3. I will die someday, but I'm alive now.
Each one acts like a blow, like laughing at a funeral, utterly ridiculous. Each is just enough to remind me of the ludicrous nature of being human. Each is enough to draw me back into an awareness of the present so completely that thought falls away.
For me the most fascinating part of all of this are the inherent contradictions. The fact that it's natural to intellectualize all of this, for instance, despite the absurdity in thoughts and words. Or that the bliss I feel is tied absolutely to my own suffering. Or that even though I'm in a state of mind in which I realize no-mind, no-self, a completeness with the Cosmos (all things are a relationship, dependent, one), I continue to have an ego, self-awareness, consciousness, and am human.
It's trippy to be both poles.
I cannot describe the experience, only my feelings about It. The Tao cannot be put into words. That which can be put into words is not the Tao.
I have also been reading Alan Watts and studying Zen. There is an intellectual road after all, but as Chuang Tzu said, when the fish is caught, leave the trap.
It is in leaving the trap that one can preoccupy one's self with the fish.
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ReplyDeleteI’m so glad I stopped by tonight..It’s been way too long since I’ve made my way over here. I really enjoyed this post and felt I could relate to some parts of it. Like this one:
“Or that even though I'm in a state of mind in which I realize no-mind, no-self, a completeness with the Cosmos (all things are a relationship, dependent, one), I continue to have an ego, self-awareness, consciousness, and am human.”
I haven’t shared this save for one person so far but your post prompted me to share an experience I had earlier today that I wrote about in my online journal. Hope you don’t mind.
“The ancient syllable OM seemed to spontaneously rise up through my subconscious into my awareness. So I held on to it, allowing it reverberate through my mind. My vocal chords followed suit and soon my ears heard what my mind did as the mantra’s ancient vibration was sent outwards into the expanse of sky above me. Shortly after I began softly chanting I could feel the first drops of rain bounce off my skin. At the first few I felt goose bumps rise almost instantly, my skin tightening on my arms as a slight shudder ran through me. I could hear thoughts running down the corridors of my consciousness inviting me to take hold of them at times. Occasionally I got caught up in their snares, investing a few moments on speculations before realizing my folly whereby I then took a conscious breath and returned to OM. And, after a few moments, found myself settling back into silence. It was as if I could feel every individual blade of grass beneath me, I could hear the flag fluttering in the distance, its rope clanking on the metal poll that held it up high, erect over the fields. I just lay there for awhile. Observing thought and what my senses felt and heard. Just simply being. I felt this peace spread through me, an energy rose up from my core and radiated outwards. I felt so alert, so alive. I simply was. A part of the living and breathing web of the cosmos, feeling my place within it, having an awareness of unity. No questions came, even thoughts that I was observing eventually vanished. “
Hope you’ve been well!
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