I haven't been writing. I've been putting myself into Satori, peering into my true nature. Life is rich when boredom is ecstasy, anxiety is joy, depression is bliss...suffering is an acknowledgment of my realness.

When I can feel fucked up and copacetic at the same time, I know nothing. When I can feel happy and not seek to capture that sensation with words...

I have found over the last week that when I feel myself coming back into my mind, I can get back out again with one of three simple phrases.

1. I can't want what I already have.
2. The world is complete as it is.
3. I will die someday, but I'm alive now.

Each one acts like a blow, like laughing at a funeral, utterly ridiculous. Each is just enough to remind me of the ludicrous nature of being human. Each is enough to draw me back into an awareness of the present so completely that thought falls away.

For me the most fascinating part of all of this are the inherent contradictions. The fact that it's natural to intellectualize all of this, for instance, despite the absurdity in thoughts and words. Or that the bliss I feel is tied absolutely to my own suffering. Or that even though I'm in a state of mind in which I realize no-mind, no-self, a completeness with the Cosmos (all things are a relationship, dependent, one), I continue to have an ego, self-awareness, consciousness, and am human.

It's trippy to be both poles.

I cannot describe the experience, only my feelings about It. The Tao cannot be put into words. That which can be put into words is not the Tao.

I have also been reading Alan Watts and studying Zen. There is an intellectual road after all, but as Chuang Tzu said, when the fish is caught, leave the trap.

It is in leaving the trap that one can preoccupy one's self with the fish.